(Anne Raftery is retired and living in Connecticut. She worked in the real estate world in Texas and North Carolina before moving back home where she was drawn into work at independent schools. Anne was a Peace Corps volunteer in Ecuador in the 1970s. She is a member of Final Exit Network doing volunteer outreach.)
==================================
Dear Son,
I have finally come to allow myself to put shape and form around thoughts I have had for many years as I came to make my plan to have a death by design and intention, ending a completed life. My choice seems to be causing you some uneasiness. It’s taken me years to get to this point, but this decision to purposely end my life is the correct one. I hope it will come to feel as “right” to you as it does for me, and as free of ambiguity and angst as humanly possible. I will stay strong in my hope that you appreciate the sincerity and depth of the thought processes that have led me here.
“Intentionality is the key to success in the 4th quarter living. People do not accidentally die peacefully. And people don’t accidentally leave behind legacies of hope, love and encouragement.” (The Fourth Quarter of Your Life: Embracing What Matters Most – December 29, 2022, by Matthew Kelly (Author), Allen R. Hun)
I hope you will see me be able to put these words into action by my commitment to what matters most to me.
I will leave this world knowing that I’m going to miss big events in your life, but that would be the case whether I died tomorrow or in ten years. You are resilient, resourceful, and incredibly kind. You have gathered people, places, and things together to support you in your life. I could not be more secure in my feeling that you are in a place where you will only continue to thrive.
Will I be sad to leave you? Yes, times infinity. But that would be the case whenever my death comes. Please celebrate the life we have shared and which I’ve lived to the best of my ability. I see my choice as potentially increasing the depth and meaning of your own life. Take what you experience by my death and the way it unfolds, and use that to help others when they are faced with a death that might not be as scripted.
And, as always with my sharing, “take what you like and leave the rest.” I see you turning it into a springboard to your being an even better person and friend.
I hope you know that I truly did the best I could all along the road we traveled together, with you in the front of mind with every decision I made. Thank you for sticking with me. And know that when I am not around physically, you can look for signs that will show you I am keeping an eye on things from beyond the veil.
I had quite a life, much of that because of what came through you. Thank you. I will ask that you give me and all people the benefit of the doubt. Life can be messy and difficult, and everyone is carrying burdens we can’t see.
You once offered to be my “travel buddy” if I wanted to go on a trip. I am now reaching out to you to say that this is the trip I want you at my side for – in its joy, its sadness, its “whatever” it becomes. Let’s travel! I want you there to help me find the grace to close my completed life with as much love in the room and as little mess left for you and others as humanly possible.
I don’t need to tell you, but be wise, love yourself, and bring love to others. Be open to life. Or, in your case, just keep up the good work!
Love,
Mom
Editor’s note: The preceding letter (in longer version) was sent to Anne’s son in September 2024. They had been in phone conversations about her wishes, and she set her 72nd birthday as the start to “leave no cards on the table.” Anne’s letter is a perfect example of what FEN encourages their blog readers to share with their families.
After sending the letter, Anne and her son went on a trip for 27 days, together 24/7 “to make sure no questions were left unasked,” she said. “My death by design and intention have been discussion items with him and other family members for many years. But I wanted to make sure I said my heartfelt things to him sooner than later.”
(Please scroll down to comment.)
Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
Enter your email address to receive these posts in your inbox each week:
This letter is an absolute perfect template for a mother to give to her son when she knows her end is near. I will print and give to my son when I know it’s time because I can’t say it any better. Thank you.
Thank you. It has been a weight off my heart to have shared my thoughts with him and now with others. Time will bring what time will bring, but now I know I did not miss my opportunity.
“End is near”? These days 72 is young unless one has a terminal illness. At 71, I don’t consider myself old at all. I went on a trip to Greece and Turkey last month. All but two couples were in their late 60s or 70s. We did a lot of walking on that trip, too, including visiting many churches and a monastery. I personally hope to live to 100.
Hi Sue, I reminded of this quote: “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” — Abraham Lincoln
I am just now printing out a copy of this wonderful letter. My oldest daughter is absolutely the most important person in my life. She is kind to a fault and she does not want to lose her mother. But I have not felt any joy in a few years. And,my 87 year-old body is just shutting down part by part. I think this letter may help her a little bit although our bond is so close and the last thing I would do is cause her any sorrow. I will need some help in giving me the courage to do what I have wanted to do for sometime. I can’t get past the feeling that she would be happier if I held on no matter what but I’m pretty miserable.
Gotta say I agree with Sue M. here. 72, unless sick or in pain, seems awfully young these days. “It’s the life in your years . . .” ? More years, more life. Here’s the big question? Who does my life belong to? There’s no right/wrong answer to this question. It’s a matter of belief, of choice, of personal values. If I believe my life belongs to God, I have no right to suicide whatsoever. If I believe my life belongs to me alone, I have an absolute right to suicide, even on a whim. If I believe by life belongs to my community, however I define community, I have a right to suicide when under whatever conditions my community sets.
So here’s what I believe. I believe my life belongs to me but also to my community. I define community as mostly friends and family but also my town, by religious congregations, etc. It’s gray. It’s different for every person and every person has to define their own community but I do believe that part of my life belongs to my community. So, although I have a right to suicide, it’s not absolute. I have work to finish. If I were to declare my life complete on my 85th birthday next January, my family and friends would be very angry and I wouldn’t blame them. Even at 84, I’m still capable of starting new work and capable of supporting younger generations doing their work. So, do I have a right to arbitrarily declare my life complete and end it whenever it suits me? I don’t feel that I do. I feel that, so long as I’m reasonably comfortable and able to give to a meaningful degree, it would be selfish and irresponsible.
What a beautiful and heartfelt letter to share with your son. I’m so glad you sent it—and that it opened the door to deep, meaningful conversations and time spent traveling together. What a gift for him, even if he may not fully recognize it yet.
So many people are quietly suffering without being considered terminal, and I truly believe it shouldn’t be up to any one person—or government—to determine when our life feels complete. Only you know the reality of your body, your daily experience, and what you carry.
I applaud your courage in making this decision and send heartfelt wishes for peace to you and your family in the days ahead.
I find myself a bit curious as to why some are focusing on the age rather than on the point of the article, which is simply to make your wishes known to your loved ones. Please note that the editors mentioned an age, not Anne. I think Anne found a perfect solution, likely quite fresh on the heels of retirement, as she planned how to live the fourth quarter of her days. She started with her highest priority, her child, which I would also do. She ended up having a wonderful trip and meaningful conversations with him. Now that her heart and mind are at ease, she’s living her best life. I can only hope I do as well after my own retirement.
Anne, you are such an inspiration—a guiding light in how we express our choices and share them with those we love. Allowing our loved ones time to process and reflect on our decisions opens space for meaningful conversation about the reasons behind them. What a true gift that is.
I don’t see any indication that she intends to take immediate action. It seems she is simply letting her son know that this is a decision she may choose to make when the time feels right. I could be mistaken, but that’s how I interpret it.
Anne’s choice. Anne’s voice. Anne’s decision—shared, discussed, and heard by her son. We should all be this open with our loved ones about what we would like to do.
Thank you Anne from the bottom of my heart for sharing.