(Chris Palmer is an author, speaker, wildlife filmmaker, conservationist, educator, professor, and grandfather. He is now devoted to to end-of-life activism. Bloomsbury published his 10th book, Achieving a Good Death: A Practical Guide to the End of Life, last October. He is a trained hospice volunteer, founded and runs an aging, death, and dying group for the Bethesda Metro Area Village, and serves on several nonprofit boards, including Final Exit Network. He frequently gives presentations and workshops to community groups on aging, death, and dying issues.)
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Human beings experience two deaths: The first occurs when life leaves our bodies, and the second happens when our names are no longer spoken, and we fade from memory.
Ethical wills help to ease the pain of both. They allow us to leave behind something deeply meaningful for our loved ones and provide peace of mind as we near life’s end. Crafting an ethical will can offer a profound sense of purpose and completion.
In our final days, we seek closure. We hope to resolve lingering matters, express unspoken emotions, and leave nothing essential unsaid. At the same time, we often reflect on two pivotal questions: What has my life meant? And, Has my life mattered? Writing an ethical will helps to explore these questions, creating a legacy of meaning and purpose for future generations.
What is an ethical will?
An ethical will is a deeply personal document that encapsulates your values, wisdom, and aspirations. Unlike legal wills, which manage assets, or living wills, which outline healthcare preferences, ethical wills focus on sharing your essence – your beliefs, life lessons, and guiding principles.
These heartfelt messages pass your wisdom and vision for the future to loved ones, ensuring your influence endures long after your passing. Business strategist Peter Strople captures the idea beautifully: “Legacy is not leaving something for people. It’s leaving something in people.”
Ethical wills have ancient roots, originating in Jewish traditions where parents wrote letters to their children to express love, impart wisdom, and share guidance. Today, ethical wills remain a way to connect generations, offering insight and inspiration that transcends time. Rabbi Steve Leder describes them as “the greatest gift one can give or receive.”
Why write an ethical will?
The thought of death often stirs fear because it signals the end of our relationships with those we love. Yet, ethical wills ensure that those connections continue. Through your words, loved ones can maintain a relationship with you, finding comfort, insight, and encouragement in your reflections.
An ethical will also secures your legacy. It addresses profound questions like, what did I accomplish in my life? And, borrowing from poet Mary Oliver, what did I do with my “one wild and precious life”? It allows you to express gratitude, love, and forgiveness while fulfilling what palliative care expert Dr. Ira Byock describes as life’s “five essential tasks”: to love, thank, forgive, seek forgiveness, and say goodbye.
How to write an ethical will
Although the task of writing an ethical will may feel intimidating, the process can be simplified into manageable steps:
- Define your audience and purpose
Consider the intended recipients – your children, grandchildren, siblings, or others – and what you hope to communicate. Your goals may include sharing life lessons, articulating core values, and expressing your love and hopes for their future. - Reflect and brainstorm
Take time to think deeply about your experiences, principles, and the people who shaped your life. What wisdom have you gained that is worth sharing? Reflect on significant relationships, pivotal moments, and the values that gave your life meaning. - Compose with heart
Begin with a draft, letting your thoughts flow naturally. Include stories, advice, and insights that embody who you are. Be candid about your successes and setbacks, as both can provide valuable lessons for those who read your words. - Polish and refine
Review your draft to ensure it feels genuine and allows your loved ones to take meaning from it without feeling pressured or judged. Your message should inspire, not dictate. Approach sensitive topics with care, balancing honesty with warmth and encouragement.
Ethical wills are often concise, ranging from two to five pages. Share them with loved ones while you are alive to spark meaningful discussions, or save them for later to serve as a lasting reminder of your essence and values.
The lasting impact of an ethical will
Writing an ethical will is not only a gift for your loved ones, but also a profound experience for you. It offers the chance to reflect on your life’s journey, clarify what matters most, and find closure. It ensures that your love, values, and aspirations echo through the lives of your descendants, shaping their futures in meaningful ways.
As you craft your ethical will, consider it an enduring message of love and wisdom – a beacon that continues to guide and inspire those you leave behind. This deeply personal document is a testament to your character, a legacy that allows your spirit to live on in the hearts and minds of future generations.
Through your ethical will, you ensure that your memory will be cherished and your life remembered as a blessing.
(Please scroll down to comment.)
Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
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Thanks for the reminder, Chris. We needed this.
Bill, your leadership in the RTD movement has been invaluable, so I am honored by your nice note.
What if there’s no one to look at and read my ethical will. Why do I bother?
Oh gosh, Rena, your poignant note made me sad, but you raise an excellent question! Under those circumstances, it is worth writing one anyway, IMHO, because of the help it gives the writer. Writing an ethical will allows the writer to wrestle with two key questions: What did my life mean? And did my life matter? Teasing out the answers to those questions might help a person feel more at peace when they are on their deathbed.
I also want to add another point, Rena, regarding the issue of finding someone to send your ethical will to. Think of all the people you have crossed paths with in your life, perhaps someone you liked a lot or even loved. You may currently have no partner, spouse, kids, or even nearby friends, but let’s cast our net more widely. What about a friendly member of your community? What about an old school friend? Perhaps thinking about the audience for your ethical will will give you an incentive to reach out to an estranged sibling, or to reconnect with someone you liked a lot at one point but have lost touch with.
Good luck!
Ethical Wills can be difficult to write, at least meaningful ethical wills. My Father-in-Law left one for his four children. We opened and read it directly after coming home from his burial and it was one of the most profound experiences of my life. I’m 84 now. It’s past time to write one and I’m still reluctant because I don’t think I’ll be able to get close to the bar he set.
Hello Ron, thank you for that lovely story about your esteemed father-in-law. He sounds like an exceptional person, but please don’t compare yourself to him. Rather, think about the profound joy your ethical will or legacy letter will give to your surviving loved ones.
Good luck. Congrats on reaching 84. I’m six years behind you!
Chris, I very much appreciate your sending me this link so that I could subscribe.
Hi Lee, my pleasure! FEN is an outstanding organization, and the Good Death Society Blog is a luminous and coruscating resource for anyone who is going to die.