(A Registered Social Worker, Maureen Pollard obtained a Bachelor of Social Work degree in 1992 and has been working in the field of for more than 32 years. She earned a Master of Social Work in 2011, and is certified as a teacher/trainer of adults, culturally inclusive educato, and music integrated therapy. Maureen belongs to the Ontario College of Social Workers and Social Service Workers, Ontario Association of Social Workers, Bereavement Ontario Network, Hospice and Palliative Care Ontario, and the Canadian Counseling and Psychotherapy Association. This article, used with permission, appeared online at https://www.griefstories.org/forgiveness-at-the-end-of-a-life/.)
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One of the most difficult things about death can be the experience of unresolved conflict. When we’ve had a turbulent relationship with the person we are grieving for, it can really complicate our feelings. Forgiveness is a good goal, but it can be hard to navigate.
When a person is dying
It may be that someone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and is moving toward the end of life wants to tend to unfinished business. They may feel remorse, or have a strong desire to make amends and set things right. If this is the case, it may be that you welcome their overtures and feel ready to forgive them.
If you don’t feel ready, you are not obligated to forgive. Some damage is deep, with far-reaching consequences. Your healing will not necessarily happen on a timeline that works with the time that is left to the dying person who seeks forgiveness.
Alternately, it may be that you want to forgive their actions and look for opportunities to mend the rifts, but they continue whatever attitude and behavior caused the wounds you feel. It’s important to know that some people do not seek to redeem themselves in response to impending death. That is not your fault and you can’t control it. You can still do the work of releasing yourself from the cycle that has harmed you.
When a person has died
When someone dies suddenly, there is no opportunity for conversations or actions that might have happened to help heal emotional wounds in a relationship. You’re left with unsettled feelings that may include anger, guilt, regret, and shame, with no way to address them directly with the person.
Finding forgiveness
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” – Mark Twain
It may be helpful to remember that forgiveness is for you. It is a personal process of releasing the pain of past wrongs against you. Forgiveness can happen whether or not the other person shows regrets or tries to make up for past wrongs.
Acknowledge your pain. Accept it as your response to the other person, and allow yourself to feel the wound.
Seek some understanding of their motivation. What led them to those hurtful attitudes and behaviors? Consider the possibility that they were doing the best that they could, even if their best was not very good and may have caused you to feel quite hurt.
Release yourself from the pain. Give yourself permission to forgive them. When you are ready, forgiveness is a great gift that you give to yourself.
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Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
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I haven’t ever met a social worker that provided meaningful information.
I’m sorry your encounters with social workers haven’t been positive. Many of us care deeply about helping people and strive to offer meaningful guidance every day. I hope your future experiences are better.
I always know what it is I need to spend time with based on the number of times my path crosses its path over a short period of time…forgiveness and unfinished business and I have been crashing into each other a lot of late. Wrote this to someone just this a.m. “Forgiveness – asking for, giving, processing. When someone is taking care of unfinished business, creates unfinished business for someone left behind. I sometimes think about a 12 Steps’ angle to one of its directives – “Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” More and more, I lean toward leaving love behind with the people I care about as what drives me to take action. That might mean taking something to the grave with me for the good of those left behind. Forgiveness as an inside job.” Thank you for what – for me – is a very timely share.
This can be one of the hardest things for survivors to navigate. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice.