(Anne Raftery is retired and living in Connecticut. She worked in the real estate world in Texas and North Carolina before moving back home where she was drawn into work at independent schools. Anne was a Peace Corps volunteer in Ecuador in the 1970s. She is a member of Final Exit Network and part of The Good Death Society’s blog team doing volunteer outreach.)
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My usual approach to life has been to over-plan and over-think. But this final chapter has been a definite “life happens.” It happened.
Divorce at 45. Only son out of college and out on his own when I was 53. No romantic relationship materialized to fill the gap left by divorce. Son remains unmarried, living 800 miles away. No familial gaps filled by daughter-in-law or grandchildren. Five siblings, but not a one of them has offered, nor would I accept if offered, to join them.
Add to that over the last 40 years: 21 stops along the way as to work settings. Addresses along that way – 14 is my calculation. “Run fast and break things … I’ll fire myself … I don’t come to work to make friends” as mantras. The scene was set for life in the solo-ager lane on life’s highway.
So, what does my better-late-than-never planning and over-thinking look like as I keep my eye peeled on the final exit off ramp? Here are some of my action bullet points. As I tell everyone, any time I open my mouth or put pencil to paper: Take what you like and leave the rest.
- Live in a small town, rent controlled, landlord is a high school classmate, landlady is a great cook and feels sorry for me since I am not so baked goods are left on my stoop periodically, and be in a very-light-filled, already death-cleaning cleaned apartment. I feel safe and seen. That is no small thing in the world today.
- Had conversation with local EMT squad leader. Fell on deaf ears, but he is very clear about “if you see Anne at the side of the road, keep going.”
- Had conversation with local police chief. Great listener and I am on the PD’s “Special Needs Registry” as to my “No 911 response please” to my address. DNR, DNT, DNI, don’t do anything. Their hands might be tied, but it won’t be for lack of information as to my wishes.
- I take care of myself. I live a lifestyle that is mentally and physically kind to myself. I eat, sleep, exercise with a cadence that has allowed me to not interface with any doctor since 1992. Never had a prescription drug in my adult life. I walk 35-40 miles a week, eat at 7 a.m. and 3 p.m. each day, sleep eight hours each night. They will need a new entry in the dictionary with my picture next to the word “boring.” Oh well.
- I know myself. I am not a joiner. Figure out how to build effective alliances with people who can come to my assist. Building my, as I call it, “Life Flight Team” for my final takeoff.
- I tell anyone who will listen what I am trying to achieve. You never know when you will say something to even a total stranger, and the next thing you hear is “I know a guy.” Happened a million times in my work life. No reason it cannot happen now.
- I do my homework. It is overwhelming at times to sift and filter through all the news that comes at us. But there is good work being done about the things that are important to me, so I need to focus and ask questions.
- I don’t look away or let myself be distracted by shiny objects. My life is what it is: I am old and getting older, and I am going to die.
Do I have a moment when I wish this was not the place the “cosmic dominoes” of my life had landed me? Sure. But then I replace “what if? … why me?” with “How do I show gratitude for what has come to be?” And get back to the work of living my life for my personal growth and trying to have a positive impact on those with whom I come in contact. Building the structure that will give me the best chance to achieve a good death to cap off a good life. “You die as you lived” is what I hear, so with a plan and overthinking? It has served me well.
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Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
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Well done living within the constraints of your birth! It’s a pleasure to know you have selected how you want to share your story on your own terms. Self-care is living a life you don’t have to escape from. Keep the love flowing through you and out to the world at large as nothing will benefit from you taking it with you.
What an absolutely delightful take on a healthy way to approach this last stage of life! (It would have been fun to listen in on your conversations with that EMS squad leader and the local police chief!) Anne, you may be a solo-ager by choice, but should know you have many friends and supporters here in FEN-land and the Good Death Society Blog who are cheering you on!
Love it Anne!!! Thanks! My situation is different, my outlook the same: ““How do I show gratitude for what has come to be?” And get back to the work of living my life for my personal growth and trying to have a positive impact on those with whom I come in contact. Building the structure that will give me the best chance to achieve a good death to cap off a good life. “You die as you lived” is what I hear, so with a plan and overthinking? It has served me well.” I’ll make sure and post it where I can see it often. Thanks again and love, Tom
Thanks Anne for sharing!
Annie, great knowing you and reading this. Living a life of positive impact on the people in your life. I bet you do that well day by day.