Chaplain Torinus received a Master’s Degree in Religious Studies from Cardinal Stritch University. She trained in Clinical Pastoral Education for Chaplaincy at St. Camillus Skilled Nursing Facility in Milwaukee, and received the Heart of Compassion Award as one of the top chaplains in the nation. She has worked in the fields of education, hospice chaplaincy, and eldercare for almost 30 years. The original version of this article appeared online at https://hospicehelppro.com/deathbed-regrets/.
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If only I had done such-and-such sooner. If only I hadn’t done such-and-such at all. If only I hadn’t said such an awful thing. Why couldn’t I have said I was so, so sorry? Why couldn’t I admit my mistakes? Why did I waste so much time staying? Why didn’t I leave sooner?
Why didn’t I get help? Why didn’t I see the signs? Those red flags were flapping in my face. Why did I make such an egregious decision or choose that particular path? Why didn’t I know myself better? Why? Why? Why?
As a hospice chaplain, I posted sentry at hundreds of deathbeds and listened to a lifespan of litanies from patients about regret. We all live with regrets; they go hand-in-hand with life. Some are only passing qualms with momentary hand-wringing or a pinprick of conscience, while others weigh us down with shame and culpability.
Hopefully, we learn through our mistakes, feel remorse, and ask for forgiveness. Or we back up and reconfigure our journey. We walk toward the road that diverges. We become discerning and more prudent through aging and its challenging experiences. We are transformed into sages.
But if we wait to examine our lives until the very end, there is nothing we can do but try to make amends the best we can, and forgive ourselves of the catalogue of our transgressions. But why live a life that accumulates piles of guilt? Not everyone is blessed with a death preceded by a lingering illness, with hours or days to reflect on misgivings and their consequences. Not everyone reaches senior citizenship at 62 or clinches the last stage of the elder years at 80.
If we can live in the present moment, accept reality, and grow in self-awareness, we can decrease our sorrows stemming from the running-regret meter. Why leave for tomorrow what we can spiritually address today?
Age does not equate to wisdom. We often receive foolish advice from an older person and wise advice from a youth. In fact, Franciscan Priest Richard Rohr in his book Falling Upward, describes the path toward spiritual maturity. He states that approximately 60 percent of folks go to their graves as “first-half-of-lifers.” In other words, most people never achieve a “second-half-of-life” maturity: a whole-adult perspective, a keen self-awareness, and a compassionate worldview.
That, perhaps, may explain the mess we have in our country today. Many of my dying patients struggled with the impression they were leaving on their families and community. They questioned their own integrity.
So, the lessons from deathbed confessions and hand-wringing are to begin our inner work much earlier; the natural juncture for its commencement is usually in one’s late 40s or early 50s. Some souls begin sooner, which is why they might have problems fitting in with their own age group. If we do our inner work sooner, we have less emotional and spiritual baggage to wade through at the end of our lives.
We need to leave it “all on the court” in this world. Why do the work here? Can’t we just wait a bit and do it in the next life? No, because we bring to the next life who we made of ourselves in this one.
I decided to write on this topic after reading an article in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel about a woman from Madison. It was a poignant, but also somewhat humorous story and made the point quite well about leaving regrets on the “court” upon dying:
“Carol had been a mother who raised her children to avoid certain topics – like politics, religion, and money – in mixed company. The article didn’t specify if it was all right to discuss these sensitive topics in only a single-gender gathering. But then at the end of her life, Carol had some regrets about just how polite she had been about important issues. Her conscience was piqued when she heard Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin speak during the Senate hearing about the January 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol. She said she wished she had spoken up more and done more.”
The story went on to say that the night the family watched the event on Capitol Hill was the last time they saw their mother alive. Carol, 81, died in her sleep the next morning. Her obituary celebrated her love for “her children, grandchildren, her cat, books, friends, politics, and Chardonnay.” She told her children the night before her unexpected death that she “wished she had been more involved and outspoken about her convictions.”
Instead, the family honored her wishes in her obituary.
We think we have time to “get to it,” to “take care of business,” to “leave it all on the court,” and then time runs out as it did for Carol. Like it does for all of us.
What legacy do you want to leave? What spiritual and emotional heirlooms would you like to leave for your family, friends, neighborhood, community, city, and world? What kind of impactful and inspirational life do you want to manifest?
Legacy planning takes time. Now is the watershed moment to reflect on and create a life you’re proud to bestow upon your loved ones and those who witness your choices. Now is the time to prepare for that ritual your family will hold for you as you pass to the next life.
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Final Exit Network (FEN) is a network of dedicated professionals and caring, trained volunteers who support mentally competent adults as they navigate their end-of-life journey. Established in 2004, FEN seeks to educate qualified individuals in practical, peaceful ways to end their lives, offer a compassionate bedside presence and defend a person’s right to choose. For more information, go to www.finalexitnetwork.org.
Payments and donations are tax deductible to the full extent allowed by law. Final Exit Network is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization.
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Yes, deathbed is too late. Let’s create our tombstone much earlier in our life and that will let us live our authentic lives much earlier. “Creating My Tombstone Changed My Life” at LivingMyLifestone.com is a one-hour conversation about completing life without regrets. Not only without regrets, but with a feeling not just of ending life but of completing life.