“Live and Let Go–An American Death”

[Editor’s note: Jay Niver, the editor of Final Exit Network’s newsletter, has made available a film about his father’s decision to hasten his death to end his suffering from metastasized prostate cancer. What follows is an edited version of materials Jay has provided.–Lamar Hankins]

By Jay Niver 

When my 76-year-old father, Sam Niver, learned that his prostate cancer was terminal, the last thing he wanted was to die in the hospital, as his wife had recently done. Fiercely independent, he wanted to die as he had lived his life – on his own terms. 

In constant pain, and tired of a seemingly endless round of drug and radiation treatments, Dad did his research, made his own plans, approved his obituary, and asked me to document his final days. The resulting film is a tribute to a life lived well and ended with dignity.

Sam Niver was a proud World War II veteran; a hometown newspaperman and civic leader; a loving husband, father, and friend. Having decided to take his own life, he was careful to explain the decision not only to his family, but also to the world, through the press and through this film. My sister Gretchen and I supported Dad’s decision, and, when he told us he would have a friend sit with him at the end, we insisted on being the ones to share his final moments. Our brother Teigh chose not to participate, but not because he opposed Dad’s plan. 

Issues related to Medical Aid in Dying (MAiD) – or more general questions surrounding an individual’s right to choose a death with dignity – are being hotly debated in our legislatures, by our civic and religious organizations, and sometimes at the family dinner table. 

The scene in which Sam takes his life, using sedative drugs with a large bag around his head, is a method that was advocated by the Hemlock Society’s Caring Friends Program, before its dissolution as a result of several mergers with other right-to-die groups. It is a peaceful method but may be difficult for some viewers to watch. 

The successor program to Caring Friends, the Exit Guide Program operated by Final Exit Network (FEN), relies primarily on the use of inert gas because of the difficulty in obtaining sufficient quantities of lethal prescription drugs.

Our 56-minute film about Dad can be viewed here <https://www.facebook.com/Live-and-Let-Go-An-American-Death-106102034435604/>. 

When Pop died, he had pinned to his shirt the following statement, which he had signed after his printed name on the blank line: 

6/23/98 

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: 

I, Samuel J.Niver, Jr., _______________________, being of sound mind and in full control of my senses, have hereby decided to make a dignified exit from this “Vale of Tears.” No one, repeat, no one, is assisting me. I do it all by myself. My children, who are present, agree with and support my decision. 

I take this action because I am in the terminal stages of metastasized prostate cancer and my life has lost all pleasure. I have had 60 radiation treatments and there is little left but chemotherapy, which I do not choose to undertake. 

I am also taking this action to make a statement in favor of physician- assisted suicide in terminal cases. I think it is unbelievably cruel to force someone to suffer against their wishes when a simple injection could end their misery. 

To my children, my sisters, my many friends and relatives, I wish you all long and happy lives such as I have had. Over 76 years I have no regrets and would not change a single thing if I could. I have had 76 years of happiness and am looking forward to at least that many more with my dear wife who waits for me. 

I love you all very dearly. 

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS ABOUT THE FILM

[Editor’s note: Jay Niver compiled a list of questions and answers that he and his sister Gretchen discussed during previous viewings of the film.] 

 

1)  Wasn’t it hard for you and Gretchen to do this? 

No. It was hard for us to lose our father, but we were determined to help him any way we could. Our parents stood behind us for more than 40 years. What kind of kids would we have been had we NOT stood behind Dad? Folks call us “courageous,” but that’s not a description we deserve – Dad was courageous. 

2)  You seemed pretty calm and collected. How come? 

We had weeks to cry and say good-bye in advance of Dad’s death. When the time came, we had a job to do, not sob and let our own feelings get in the way. We left on a camping vacation the next day with my kids, and Gretchen and I sat up late around a campfire to decompress. It was many hours and days later that it really sunk in, what had happened: Dad was gone. 

3)  Sam did not appear to be deathly ill. Could he have lived a lot longer?

Dad’s doctor said he probably could have lived five or six months more in a hospice setting. But he didn’t want that. What’s more, Dad was a lot sicker than he appeared, because he didn’t want to be seen in a helpless state. I had to shower with Pop and bathe him the last time – he was too weak to do it himself. And Gretchen helped him get out of bed and get dressed on June 28 – it took more than two hours. 

4)  Weren’t you worried about legal ramifications, for assisting a suicide? Have you ever heard from authorities? 

As mentioned in the film, assisting a suicide is LEGAL in North Carolina, one of the few states that has no law prohibiting that. In theory, we could have handed Dad a loaded gun, so long as we didn’t pull the trigger. In fact, we tore down the cameras that filmed Dad’s death before EMS and police arrived, and we also removed the plastic bag. A detective asked Jay Spain (the filmmaker), “Did you film the death?” Jay replied, “I prefer not to answer that question.” He was concerned there may be a roadblock to stop his vehicle and search for tapes when he left. But it didn’t happen. We have never been approached by police or investigators. 

5)  How could you have avoided an investigation? 

If we had a signed death certificate, authorities would have left as soon as we showed it to them. But Dad’s doctor lived an hour away, and we didn’t want to inconvenience him on a Sunday. He had been great all along, and we didn’t want to ask a favor. He probably would have driven out to sign a certificate. 

6)  Was an autopsy done? What did it reveal? 

The Onslow County M.E. did an autopsy that named the cause of death as a drug overdose and cancer, which had metastasized to the lungs (even more than we knew). The M.E. did NOT mention suffocation. 

7)  Was that the correct application of the bag on Sam’s head?

No. The bag is supposed to be voluminous to allow many minutes of air until the drugs take effect. Dad’s bag was sucked against his mouth and nose, although he wore a dust mask. Still, it’s hard to say if the drugs or suffocation caused death. Pop was so weak, and the amount of Nembutal so massive, it may have shocked his system in the minutes between the time he drank the dissolved capsules, ate the drug-laced yogurt, and fastened the bag with two rubber bands. 

8)  Do people still “self-deliver” this way? 

No. Since Dad died, there are more ways that people who desire a hastened death can use technology to go quickly and quietly, especially since it has become harder and harder for people to get the potent narcotics that can cause death. Derek Humphry, the founder of the Hemlock Society (and author of Final Exit, the “how-to” book that Dad used as his guide) has an organization (ERGO) dedicated to the cause of hastened death and user-friendly ways to go. And Final Exit Network provides Exit Guides to educate and train people on the use of inert gas to hasten death to end their suffering. 

9)  How did the film come about? Whose idea was it? 

I am a journalist, and when I learned what Dad was planning, I knew it could be a compelling story, especially since Dad felt so strongly about Medical Aid in Dying. He wanted to make a statement, but I didn’t want to write the story since I was involved. But filmmaker Jay Spain was a close, 20-year family friend with his own production company. I asked him if he was interested in shooting, and he said yes. 

10)  What was your plan? How big was your budget?

We had nothing planned in advance, and no budget. Gretchen and I eventually used our very modest inheritance from Dad to reimburse Jay partially for expenses. He directed and did the shooting, and supplied the editing suite for post-production. No one has been paid for their work. Any money we get from sales goes to folks who worked on spec, like editor David Iversen. Shooting began a few months before Dad’s death and ended with the session with his sisters about nine months after he died. We shot more than 20 hours of interviews, which I transcribed and pieced together into a narrative. We did more than a dozen cuts (versions) of the film before finishing it in spring of 2002. 

11)  Is there anything you regret about how it played out? 

Just the overall circumstance of our hypocritical and misguided society, that anyone would have to go through this when they’re ready to go. You know what Dad’s last words were? Not, “I love you,” or, “I’m gonna miss you,” or anything like that. His last words were: “Give me another rubber band.” That sucks. You shouldn’t have to worry about killing yourself in your final moments with your children. You should be able to do it peacefully and legally with dignity.