(The author is a member of Final Exit Network. Her friend Judy died before MAiD was available in California, but she would not have qualified because she was not diagnosed with a terminal illness. In the picture, Judy is to the left and Laura to the right. – Jay Niver, editor)
I remember getting in the back of that squad car with some fear, thinking, “Uh oh, should I be getting a lawyer?”
My friend Judy had asked me to be by her side when she chose her final exit. I said I would. She spent the next six months preparing and informing me of her plans. We discussed them at length and planned how I could be with her without assisting in her death.
She had the book, Final Exit, and used that as her guide.
Judy had been suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome following the death of her son, 40-plus years old (who was recovering from thyroid cancer), and a divorce from the love of her life. She tried to heal with every method of treatment available and to be able to sustain her lifestyle, with no success. She could no longer work due to the debilitating effects of Chronic Fatigue. She was going to lose her house. She was estranged from much of her family.
I went to every length I could to encourage her, suggesting alternative methods and diet, and even suggested she go to a Brazilian healer. I also told her that if, at any point, she had doubts about her choice to end her life, I could not support her – she was clear and never faltered in her decision.
Judy chose to use helium as her means of departure. She purchased everything she would need and set it up on her bed, and she had a couple of trial runs without turning on the gas. She wrote letters to all her friends and loved ones and had met with her lawyer. Judy was ready.
She died peacefully in her bed as planned, with me holding her hand. She went unconscious instantly. I made the mistake of not educating myself about the dying process, and I panicked when she lost consciousness, because she still had a pulse and was exhaling loudly for about 10 minutes. I took a couple of runs to the bathroom as my nerves were frayed. I feared she could be brain dead and imagined the worst-case scenario of her being a vegetable in a hospital bed. Eventually her organs shut down and all was quiet.
I then called a friend who lived nearby, and she came over immediately. I left a message for Judy’s ex-husband, and he arrived a short time later. She had left instructions to call him after she died and that he was to call the coroner, which he did. The person at the coroner’s office asked how he knew she was dead (it was obvious), and said the coroner was not authorized to determine death; we needed to call 911. This was really frustrating!
So we phoned 911 and were bombarded by first responders. As I sat in the living room, the police and firemen showed up, and I directed them to the bedroom, informing them that she had a DNR. (I feared that they might attempt to resuscitate her.)
I wanted to be up front about being with Judy and told the police that I had been by her side when she died.
The three of us (friend, ex-husband and myself) were asked if we would be willing to go down to the police station for questioning, and we all agreed. I did not have anything to hide and wanted to cooperate to alleviate any concerns. I knew I had taken every precaution to protect myself.
We were separated at the police station. I sat in a small room and was questioned intermittently for the next four hours. I was asked if they could take my phone, which they did. It was returned to me a few hours later. I reached my limit and was exhausted and told the investigator that I wanted to go home, and he gave me a ride. Unbeknownst to me, my friend and Judy’s ex had been released a couple of hours earlier.
I called my neighbor and was debriefing with her when, about an hour later, the investigator showed up at my house around midnight to inform me that I did not have anything to worry about – everything checked out – and I was cleared.
What I learned from my choice to support Judy’s decision is that I subjected myself to potential prosecution and accusations from family members and friends. It is with great relief that I can say that Judy’s ex-husband was incredibly grateful to me. He understood her suffering and thanked me for being by her side. I am fortunate that others in her family did not decide to make accusations, and that the police did not see a need take this further.
With the help of the book, Final Exit, I did everything correctly to protect myself. I was able to give my friend her dying wish: not to be alone at her final exit.
I miss Judy dearly, but I know she isn’t suffering and that what she did was the right decision for her. It’s too bad that we have to be so careful simply to be with someone who makes this decision to exit peacefully on their own terms. It makes what could be a loving, family affair a secret, clandestine event! Such a shame.
Fortunately, though, there are FEN Exit Guides to help, so you don’t have to do it alone – as Judy and I did!
It is my understanding that FEN would NOT have helped her to leave because she did not have the support of two licensed physicians (MD or DO) that she was terminal. If I am incorrect, please inform me of what I misunderstand.
(FEN does not require someone to be terminally ill with a medical diagnosis of how long they might live. FEN may provide educational guidance to mentally competent persons who suffer unbearably with an intractable medical condition and, if requested, provide a compassionate presence at death. Under no circumstances does FEN “help (anyone) leave” – they do so themselves. Applications for Exit Guide Services are reviewed by FEN’s Medical Evaluation Committee, comprised of MDs and others with medical expertise, who evaluate whether an applicant’s circumstances meet FEN’s medical criteria. – Jay Niver)
As a retired attorney and a member of Hemlock since the early 1990s, and later FEN, my inclination is never to voluntarily go to a police station for an interview without an attorney. I would explain that while I want to be cooperative with the authorities, I was merely a witness to my friend’s death, not a participant in it. Witnesses to such a death are guilty of nothing. If they want to ask me questions, they are free to do so, but not at the police station.
Had I know that, I would have saved myself a very stressful trip to the station!
(Editor’s note: There are two corrections to Ms. Kenig’s post, neither any fault of hers. First, her friend Judy had suffered from thyroid cancer, not her son. Second, the group of three at Judy’s exit was told by the coroner’s office that the ex-husband was not authorized to determine she was dead. Apologies to Laura.)